Fallout
have been saying particular prayers of thanksgiving, even though I don't feel it, because, as Renee said, there's nothing to be done now but be happy. It's not really that having a baby is such a calamity; as long as the girls can stay in school, it will be handled all right--babies are easy. It's that I'm terrified of losing my ability to write again. It's that I'm scared the psychiatrist is right, that I will go crazy. It's that I'm afraid she will have me involuntarily committed. I still live with the memory of the heart-emptying loneliness and depersonalization of my first hospitalization; how much worse will that be if done to me while pregnant? how much more terrifying to be subjected to "treatment" and "supervision"?
Maybe I will just--have my doctor prescribe my medications from now on, and cancel my next appointment with the shrink, and never face her over it. . . . I'm such a chicken, so absolutely terrified to stand up to anybody over anything.
Labels: pregnancy, struggles
