Tied up
I finished
Evangelical Is Not Enough and started in on
Man's Search for Meaning. Every book I read introduces some new depth of wisdom, and I think to myself, "How did I think I could get along without knowing this?" And then just as fast I think, "And what else is there that I don't know?"
I forgot to mention--I went to see Father Tom, the first priest I talked to when I decided I was going to convert. We didn't really come to a conclusion, I think, about the tubal ligation, mainly because he proclaimed himself not an expert on it. But I'm pretty sure my mind's made up about it: I just can't do it. I've been given the name of an NFP OB-GYN down in Birmingham, so I will make an appointment to see him and hopefully get his help with straightening out my body so that NFP is an actual option. The only real reason I have even considered a tubal is because NFP is not, currently, an option for me, with my out-of-whack body. And then of course there are those who tell me I should "trust God" to give me the strength and emotional resources (both of which I lack completely) to handle the fifteen children which would result if I can't straighten my body out. I can't accept that kind of naivety. Just because YOU'RE able to handle half a dozen children doesn't mean everybody else is equipped to, and it's patent irresponsibilty to not take perfectly licit measures to prevent children you objectively can't handle. I'm so tired of thinking I'm a bad person for saying that, but darn it, it's true.
Father Tom also told me to ditch my psychiatrist and find one who is willing to respect me. He's right, Renee's right, everybody who has told me this is right, but you know what? It won't happen. To ditch her I would have to actually stand up for myself and tell her that she is not being respectful toward me and I can't work with her. But if I say that, I will automatically be made The Bad Guy, and I can't handle that. So it's let her put down my religion and press me to go against my conscience all she wants, because better that than that I should stand up for my worthless self.
Labels: nfp, struggles, tubal ligation
Letter to my counselor
Hi J---,
I have wanted to mention this before, but I tend not to come out and say anything unless asked, and well, you haven't asked yet. :) I was raised in the church of Christ, as you know, but in the last year have converted to the Catholic Church. It has really bothered me that I haven't quite known how to relate that, so I thought I should just email you and tell you. And, as I'm sure you know, the Church teaches generally against artificial methods of birth control and sterilization. This, besides the fact that I agree with the teaching, is the reason I cannot use birth control or have my tubes tied. I kind of felt like you thought my resistance was due to my screwed-up thinking, but it is not. No, believe it or not, I can have logical reasons for what I do! I was afraid to tell you this at our meeting yesterday because my psychiatrist, who knows I am Catholic, continually tells me the Church is wrong and that I should do it anyway. This distresses me a great deal, because I think she is being disrespectful, and I do not like being urged to do something I know is a mortal sin. I was afraid you would respond the same way.
It is possible that given my situation, after I've talked to a few very orthodox priests, I will be told that a tubal is permissible for me. I can't say for sure. But as far as I know at this moment, I can't agree to it.
So, I wanted you to know it wasn't just because I'm crazy that I was resisting. I know you won't agree with the Church's teaching, but I do, and did even before I was Catholic, which is of course how I ended up with so many kids. :)
Hoping this clears it up.
Labels: struggles, tubal ligation
Struggling
I couldn't sleep last night. Lay awake until two, then kept dreaming about the Pope's funeral. So at three I got up and took a blanket and went to lie on the couch and watch the funeral. I fell asleep during the homily and crawled back to bed at four-thirty. Nevertheless I was glad I had watched part of it live (I'll watch the whole thing on C-SPAN's rerun tonight), and wondered if ever the world would get another chance to witness a Mass on television like that. And half-wished that God would take the opportunity to perform some sort of miracle during the Consecration--I forget what they call it, but there have been times in the past when the wine after consecration took the actual properties of the Precious Blood.
After getting the kids to school I went back to bed and slept until twelve-thirty. Having done so I felt horribly depressed, as if I needed another reason, and cried my way to the grocery store and back. I had wanted to go to Mass this morning, but felt certain that I had probably committed a mortal sin at some point in the last two weeks, so I did not go, and wanted to go to Confession today, but no parish around here seems to have a Friday Reconciliation. So, I was left to cry and turn over my bad feelings all by myself.
I am going to send my conselor an email explaining that I am now Catholic and that this is the reason i do not think I can get a tubal ligation. I can't say for certain I absolutely cannot have one: I have two priests and a deacon in mind to talk to about it, and it will depend on what they say. But as far as I know, i can't, and in fact, I think I will even tell her that it bothers me that she thinks my resistance is due to my screwed-up thinking.
Labels: struggles, tubal ligation
Counselor's appointment. . . .
I had a very upsetting appointment with the counselor today. I don't even know where to start. It's been a few weeks since our last appointment. In between then I've been to see the psychiatrist. My counselor (J.) had sent the psych (Dr W.) a letter informing her that I was pregnant, so that I wouldn't have to tell her (I was chicken). Dr W was therefore prepared and did not tear into me. She did, however, tell me that I must, absolutely must, get my tubes tied after this baby is born. I agreed because I believed it would be all right in this case: I will have had several children, it would not be done simply to avoid children but because I have a serious psychological condition and having children, in the womb or out, is dangerous for me. Dr W tells me she's sending a letter to my OB-GYN telling him it is her professional opinion that I should have this done.
So, no problem. Then a few days ago some talk on a Catholic message board I post on referred to a priest who told a parishoner that sterilization would be all right. Most of those who responded said the priest should be reported to his ordinary. I suggested, thinking of my own situation, that perhaps they didn't know all the details, and a discussion (very polite) ensued. By the end of it I had backtracked, realizing that I had agreed to do something that was simply against canon law. There just wasn't any way around it.
When my husband got home I told him about the thread, and this time the discussion was not polite. He was not in agreement with me. For his sake I will not go into details, but I was left with the following options:
Commit a mortal sin by agreeing to sterilization.
Continue to allow activity that will probably kill me and the children both.
Create a marital situation in which there is a lot of anger, resentment, and self-hatred, thus hurting the children and probably driving my husband out of the church and consequently right to hell.*
Separate and thus hurt the children and anger my husband and drive him right out of the church and to the aforementioned eternal location.
So, today I go to the counselor's and she asks what has gone on in the last few weeks. Here is the problem there: My mother set me up with this counselor, who works with an agency affiliated with the church I grew up in and which my mother still belongs to.
J. has never asked if I am still in the church of Christ and assumes I still am. And I am too afraid to tell her I'm Catholic now. Why am I afraid? I suspect it is due to one of the many conditions with which I am afflicted: I just can't stand up for myself in any way, and correcting someone on what they think of me is part of standing up for myself. I can't "pick a fight" by INFORMING her that I'm not a part of that church any longer. If she asked, I would tell her, but I can't out and say it. Additionally, Dr W, who knows I am Catholic, has not stinted to tell me that it doesn't matter what the Church teaches. That they're wrong. That I shouldn't obey. Dr W is a Christian, but obviously she is unaware of the biblical concept that if one's conscience condemns one,
one is doing wrong, and whatever
she thinks of the Catholic Church,
I am obedient to it. Frankly, I don't even think it's very professional of the doctor to denigrate my religion, but again, I cannot speak up and say so. So I have this example floating before me--that J. will behave just as Dr W does, even worse, in fact, given the friction between the church of Christ and the Catholic Church, and will start trying to give me a bible lesson. (You pagans think you're the only ones who get lectured on the Bible--hah! You haven't seen anything!)
So, I'm sitting on the couch and J. says, "And what has gone on since the last time we met?"
Well, it isn't like I can
not mention it. It is a very serious issue, a very troubling one. So I tried to explain it, sanitized, of course. I simply said that I could not go against my conscience and get a tubal.
Her reaction was that I was deliberately choosing to sabotage myself by doing something that was perfectly all right to do. Why is it wrong? she says. What makes it wrong? I told her the philosophical reasons. They made no difference. No: the only possible reason i could have was that I wanted to hurt myself. When I mentioned NFP she dismissed it, said it didn't work,
even though it has a ninety-seven percent success rate. Wouldn't even entertain the idea.
From there, we segued to the subject of sex, which ended up being a discussion of the things that went on when I was a kid, which upset me far more than anything else. All in all it was a humiliating and upsetting appointment which left me feeling helpless and muted. You say what you believe and you're told you're wrong, and why? Because you're
crazy, and nothing you could possibly think would ever make any sense. No, everything you think is just the result of your screwed-up thinking. And please, go directly against your conscience and two thousand years of Christian teaching.
I detest myself for even daring to be.
Yes, the question of what I am to do about my situation is still unsolved, but I do not see how advising me to do something gravely immoral is a good place to start. In fact, it buttresses the entire argument against sterilization: If I have my tubes tied, this means nothing in my relationship with my husband changes. If I refuse, we have to go to counseling and talk The Issue out for all of our sakes, and the relationship might actually turn into what it is supposed to be. I can't be more detailed than that, but let me just finish by saying that I know a tubal would cause and perpetuate more damage than it promises to fix.
*Not that non-Catholics go to hell--rather, if someone has been convinced that the Church is the fullness of the Christian faith but refuses to enter or abandons it, this is deliberately rejecting what they know to be true and choosing not to enter into heaven.
Labels: struggles, tubal ligation
The upcoming election
I am really amazed at the news commentators who keep salivating over the "sure" prospect of the next Pope's being "more modern." It really won't matter if the next Pope has "more modern" views: he can't change the dogma of the church. That is simply a basic operational impossibility which, apparently, none of these commentators recognizes. (The most they will get is the possibility of married priests; celibacy is not a dogma and can be changed. Married priests, though, would not make a difference regarding the pedophile priests. After all, somehow who is attracted to young children would not be likely to be attracted to a grown woman--der.)
Besides, what do they care if the Church is modern or not? Presumably they aren't Catholic and aren't affected by what she teaches, so why tsk-tsk over how we should do things?
One intelligent chick being interviewed on Fox said it best: "We don't need to worry about whether the next Pope has liberal or conservative views. We just need a Pope who teaches Catholic views." Well put.
Labels: death of john paul II
The election looms
What it is, is a testing of my faith. Do I really mean it, this talk of God's preservation of the Church, or was that just rubbish easy to believe in a time of holiness? If a bad or unworthy Pope is elected, do I still have faith in God's power? Because it's easy to look back on 2000 yrs of history and say about times of rampant corruption, "Yes, but see, God was faithful!" It's not so easy when one is facing the possibility of another time of corruption. Well, not possibility--the sex scandals are a sign of corruption, mitigated only by the holiness of the leadership and his adamant concern about them. It is a test for me, to see if I can really mean what I say.
When you put it that way, I have no choice but to believe.
Labels: death of john paul II, faith
